Since we are headquartered in Austin, we have spent a good deal of time in enjoying this beautiful city and exploring all the cool things things to do.  With the rapidly rising cost of living here, we figured we could help the thousands of new residents who move here monthly by sharing some “local” tips for experiencing this utopia on a budget!

1. Park Downtown – you can find some unbelievable parking spots in this city for under $10, which is fairly uncommon these days in a big city.  (Take THAT New York City!)  But you have to just sit there in your car and watch your meter time and look out for the Parking Police, they literally hunt in packs like wolves!  (and by hunt, I mean they eat donoughts from hidden locations… wait for you to run into an establishment , then they run over and give you $20 ticket!  Pretty sure they are all former assasins)
2. Gourmet Burger at Hopdoddy – you can only afford a few of the burgers and no, you won’t be able to afford the truffle fries.  But who needs them, this isn’t California…. besides they should be serving steak fries in Texas.   www.hopdoddy.com
3. One dry Chicken Breast at Whole Foods – go to the deli and pick up this $8 a pound breast, then go find a seat outside and eat it slow…. LOT’s of great people watching!  (they have cups for water in the upstairs seating area, you’ll need it to help swallow this chicken that is more dry than a camel’s ass crack in the summer)
4. Kayak on Lake Austin – ok… you’ll only be able to afford one single-kayak and only for one hour… so if you have a friend they can jog next to you on the jogging trail and take lots of pics of you!  (note: you can’t do paddling boarding, that’s $14 an hour although I don’t know why it cost more to rent one over the other)
5. Buy Gas – this is actually one of the best deals!  You can get a little over 4 gallons of gas and drive around in the comfort of your own vehicle!  (just don’t get on a highway, because with only 4 gallons, you’ll come to a complete stop on the on-ramp and run out of gas 2 hours later)
6. Hamilton Pool – BAHAHAHAHA!  If you thought you could go see this magnificent place for $10, then you probably spent your last $10 on crack!  (it’s $15 per vehicle to get in, so just download this pic and post it like you actually took it.. your friends won’t know the difference and they’ll be very impressed.  GUARANTEE you get at least 50 likes even if you literally have no friends)
7. Lucy’s Fried Chicken – the “Lucy’s Cold Basket” is $8.75 plus tax so you’ll have just enough… and it’s totally worth it!  You can’t afford a drink, so just do like my mother use to tell me…. just swallow your spit! www.lucysfriedchicken.com
8. Protest – with Austin being the capital of Texas it is full of highly energized political activists who are ready to demonstrate and/or march at a moments notice!  Buy poster board and a marker, write anything you want on it because here in Austin it’s not really about gathering for ONE specific cause, marchers here are really just out for a casual stroll on some of downtown’s most scenic streets chanting random things that have annoyed them over the past year.   Or if you can’t think of something to protest, they even let you march in the protest to protest the protest that you are marching in!  SO MUCH FUN!   And the kicker is that you might luck out and get a free dildo as seen here at the University of Texas (where can you get a good quality dildo for under $10…. a little hint… NOWHERE!)
9. Austin Wino Tour – Trader Joe’s sell’s a damn good wine called “2 Buck Chuck” for the phenomenal price of…. you guessed it… $2!  Grab a few bottles and some brown bags and drink your day away as you see all of downtown Austin (local hack: if you get too drunk, they have FREE luxury accommodations at The Arch downtown specifically for this purpose!)
10. Best BBQ in Texas – Franklin BBQ – Good BBQ in Texas is almost as pricey as gold, so for only $10 you can’t even get a half pound of this heavenly meat…. but the 4 little pieces you do get for $10 will inspire you to get an education and a better job so you can come back when you are more established in life.   www.franklinbarbecue.com
11. “The Red Carpet Treatment” – head to the oldest entertainment district in Austin on Historic 6th Street during the day and go bar to bar and tell them you JUST moved to Austin today!  By the time the sun sets, you will have done so many free shots of the finest well liquor in the world… that you won’t remember your name, and you won’t remember how to get home and the fine citizens of Austin will take an awesome pic of you and immortalize your final resting place for the night (the sidewalk or behind a dumpster) on a tourist Facebook page called “6th Street Fails.

(update for some cry baby readers who emailed us…. if you take this article seriously then you should see a therapist about your pent-up anger issues 😂)

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