There are some basic things to consider during these tough times….
Let’s keep your focus narrow and simplistic. The outcome depends on 3 basic things and using them is critical to your ability to help yourself and him decide what’s best.
First, I’ll start off by stating the obvious when I remind you that at this point in a relationship the emotions are running so high that it is impossible to remove them from the equation. However, the ability to look at the following concepts with as much mental clarity and at the most reduced emotional state you can, is critical to navigating through the best decision.
And believe me, you are going to want to be the one who “navigates” this because letting the man take the lead at this point is like letting a blind guy off the street perform open heart surgery on you. You’ll bleed a lot…then die a long painful and emotional death.
Does he REALLY deep down in his heart, want to be in a relationship at this point? Maybe he says or thinks he does, but really hasn’t thought it through. Hasn’t spent the proper time to sort it out because men would rather take a knife to the eye than do this.
Put all the issues and details of the arguments aside and straight up ask him these two questions. Do you REALLY want to be in this relationship? And if so, why? But don’t ask for an answer right then and there, give him time. Tell him to go away and think about it because this is his chance to give you and him the honest answer he deserves. Beg him just to be honest but also be prepared to accept it if he says “no” or beats around the bush or just can’t come back and face you to give an answer. Because if he does this, you have his answer…it’s “no”. And if he takes a week or two, again you have your answer…again it’s “no”.
If he says “yes” I want to be in this relationship, and gives you solid reasons that have convinced you that it is heartfelt, then next you focus on how to get to a new-found understanding of “how” the relationship operate going forward.
Will you guys keeps ending up in the same place? Will he move forward in the way you want and vice versa? Will he provide the affection you want, are your goals for the future of the relationship the same, will it move at a speed that is comfortable for you both? How will you both change your behavior and the way that you handle “conflict resolution” so that you stay as far away from the “brink of beak up” as possible? Write this list down, ask them straight out in a calm setting where you are both prepared to talk about “HOW” you are going to move forward and try to improve.
Without this, you are basically agreeing to just continue but haven’t really made any real positive growth. And remember this, just because he says “yes” to wanting to be in the relationship, doesn’t mean the relationship passes this step. If you get to a major road block on these questions, come back and talk about them again. But work them out, because the road block(s) here might be the sign that it’s time to permanently end it.
What does your relationship have that just tips the scales in the direction of success? What makes it not just special (everyone’s relationship is special), but gives you guys a magic ingredient that you both would agree gives you a fighting chance?
And this one is tricky because the answers need to have some real thought and both of you should be able to come up with something tangible, it just can’t be typical bullshit that every one blurts out. “We just love each other!” just isn’t going to cut it because most people don’t even know what true love is, so using such a statement as a basis to stay together doesn’t help you when assessing how strong your relationship is.
What are the things that are going to sustain the relationship during future tough times? Do you guys argue but keep it respective and civil? Or do you “fight to the death” verbally (and possibly physically)? What is it “IT”? If you both think you have “IT” together, what is it? Say it out loud, talk about it, be convinced!
Otherwise, you must be willing to face the sad truth on this third question. And that is, if it’s that hard to identify then maybe you two just don’t have “IT”. Are you missing out on having something super special with someone else by staying in this relationship. Are you robbing your future self?
Spend some alone time with the three questions above and do yourself a favor and put some thought into them. Think long and hard about what is there and what is not there. I know this is hard, I’m a Relationship Analyst and I can’t sit here and say that when my emotions are involved that I can always look at things in such a level-headed manner.
However, relationships are about growth. And whether it’s this relationship or a future one that ends up being the one you take to your grave, learning how to analyze and sort out emotions and make decisions based on the “health” of a relationship are key to your ability to engineer happiness.
Editors Note: We’d love to see your comments below or please feel free to “share”. If you’d like to discuss relationships or have yours featured on a future blog, comment below or subscribe and send me an email at: BoyfriendsSuck.com and let’s talk. Good Luck!